I'm trying to figure out why I want to teach middle school language arts. Next semester I am signed up for a middle school internship class, because middle school language arts is my endorsement. However, I am, and have been, very nervous about that whole endeavor. I don't know if I can manage a class full of middle school students. It doesn't help that my internships this year have been kindergarten/1st grade, so it will be quite the jump. A very big jump. Huge jump. Dr. Watson, my advisor, realized middle school will be hard for me, especially because I am naturally rather quiet, and middle school teachers need to be rather exuberant. So he suggested I observe several middle school classrooms between now and next semester. I observed one this morning, and it went alright. She was a wonderful teacher and clearly has a good relationship with her students. It wasn't really inspiring, but it wasn't bad either. I left feeling like it could be manageable, but not super excited or motivated really (granted, it was a lesson about adverbs and prepositional phrases, not dreadfully exciting/motivating material). Then I met with Dr. Ciscell, who is in charge of middle school and high school placements, to talk with him about next semester. That was this afternoon. I didn't really want to tell him how nervous I was about it (he has a reputation of being very scary) because I wanted to put up a strong front and convince him I could do it, so that he wouldn't tell me I couldn't. I told him how I observed a middle school class and I planned to observe several more to ease the transition (which concerned him). He thought that was a good idea, although he suggested observing some less experienced teachers to see classes that weren't as under control. But when he asked me how sure I was I wanted to do middle school, I knew I couldn't tell him I was positive, because I hadn't convinced myself of that, and there was no way I would be able to convince him. He's not the kind of person you lie to, or even stretch the truth to. So I told him I wasn't 100 percent, and explained why I thought I wanted to. Which is because I originally wanted to do creative writing, and middle schoolers can do more with that. And students at that age can have really interesting discussions and do really neat projects. And if I can handle them, I can make a really big difference at that age level. Another reason is that Dr. Watson really encouraged me to do middle school when I first met him and is really big on endorsements, although  I didn't mention that reason to Dr. Ciscell. At which point Dr. Ciscell explained that middle school language arts isn't about teaching reading and writing. It's about managing 30 kids and teaching reading and writing along the way. Which is a good point. And the part that I'm least confident about. In parting, he told me to think about what I really wanted to do and that he really appreciated how honest I was about the whole thing.

So now I'm trying to figure out why I want to do middle school and why I don't. I already hit on the reasons i do. A big part of me doesn't, mainly because I'm afraid I won't be able to handle the students at all. Then there's also the fact that next year will be a lot easier without worrying about that endorsement. I think the main reason I've not dropped it already is I'm worried that I would drop it because I'm so afraid of failing that I don't want to even try. I don't want to drop something just because I'm afraid I won't be good at it. I know that middle school teachers make a tremendous impact and I think it would be wonderful to be a great middle school teacher, so I want to try. However, I also know that it takes a special kind of person to be a great middle school teacher, and I'm not sure I'm that person. I know I'm an elementary school person. After this semester, I am one hundred percent sure that I can be a fantastic elementary school teacher. I feel great about that - something about that job just clicks, and it's exactly who I am. I'm not sure I can say the same thing about middle school, and I don't want to say "I'll try it and see" and get a month into my placement and realize I can't do it, that I'm not cut out for it. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I don't want to do middle school. I just have to figure out how much of that is because I'm just afraid of it and how much of that is because I really would much rather do elementary school that middle school. I'm starting to think it's more of the latter. I think I'll visit Dr. Watson and Dr. Ciscell tomorrow and ask them their opinions.

So I have apparently lost my touch where the whole frequently updating my xanga blog is concerned. =( My world has been pretty much wrapped up in my internship these last 2 weeks. Spring break trip to San Francisco the first week of March was AMAZING. I'll write more on that later. My laptop is infected with evil malware and has been lying defunct in my desk drawer for the last month - I'm managing surprisingly well. I'd like to get a nifty new laptop like Amy's (super lightweight and high tech) over the summer, but I don't know that I'll have the money. I think I've got my registration for next year all figured out and I will graduate in May 2010 after all... which is like 1 year from now, which is weird. I can't believe I've been here at UE 3 years already. We got our housing assignment yesterday, and I will be with Sunny and Kendyl and Cassandra in North Hall, which means apartment style with individual bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, kitchenette, and living room - yay individual bedrooms! And now that I have typed a bunch of random statements about my life in the past month, I must go, but I will (hopefully) be back on soon.

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It is jolted by every pebble in the road.

Hee! This explains several things- first of all, it explains why everyone on my hall kept asking me when Phyl was coming down, even though I hadn't talked about his upcoming visit much. They knew. It also explains why my sister got ridiculously excited about a facebook message from Phyl, and then sneakily started a conversation about rings approximately five minutes later. It's also why Sunny kept reminding me to call her when we were on our way back from dinner. It probably explains other stuff too, I just haven't figured it out yet.

THE PROPOSAL
So, yeah, me and Phyl are engaged now. *big grin*. He came down to visit me this weekend, because Halloween was the fourth anniversary of our first date (aww, yes. and the pieces begin to connect). So he came down and as soon as he got out of the car he gave me a rose (aww). We went up to my room and he got settled in, and then he took me to Biaggis (an Italian restaurant he'd found online while looking for a place to take me). Now, the plan was that we would go to Biaggis, come back, and then go see Martian Child (sidenote- absolutely amazing movie! anyway). But, when we got to the restaurant I saw there was a Borders bookstore and a Coldstone ice cream shop next door. I realized I had a Borders gift card in my purse from a year and a half ago that I haven't used, and ice cream sounded really good. So after dinner, we go browse in the bookstore, which isn't a very fast process for me. While were at the bookstore, my amazing roommate, Sunny, called and asked me where my cooking pot was (she didn't really need to know- this is another piece of the proposal puzzle). I told her and she asked where we were (since we had been gone for about 2 hours at this point). I explained that we were at the bookstore and we were going to go for ice cream afterwards, and then come back before the movie. So, that is what we did. We got back to the dorm and walked up to my room, and everyone from my hall was sitting in the hallway. Now, this isn't unusual at all, but it seemed kind of like they were waiting for us to get back (and they definitely were, there's another piece). So when we got to my room Sunny jumped up and opened the door for us, flipping a switch as she did so. I walked in and the room was dark except for a strand of red Christmas lights that ran down the floor, over our fridge and microwave (which were covered with a white blanket) and back down the other side of the floor, and also a small black light. The room was completely decorated with pictures of me and phyl, all the letters I'd sent to him, cards and notes I'd given him, presents I'd given him, ticket stubs from concerts we went to, dried flowers- anything and everything that could have been related to us was there. I walked in, completely in awe and wondering what was going on and phyl followed me in. Sunny smiled, said "have fun guys" and closed the door. I continued looking around the room and back at him, kind of in shock. Our room was so completely transformed. I think I asked something, like, 'what is all this?' but maybe not, i don't really remember. He said something along the lines of "You know, we started dating four years ago on Halloween," and he knelt down and started unzipping the pocket of his duffel bag. I knelt down next to him to see what he was doing and he made me stand back up. I think he said something else here, that I don't quite remember, maybe, and then he said "Sarah Christine Balcomb, will you marry me?" Even though the last few minutes had kind of been cluing me in to this, I still couldn't quite believe it. I asked "are you serious?" and he nodded. Then of course, I said yes and kissed him. He showed me the ring (now I can't remember if he did this before or after i said yes) and I put it on. It's a beautiful ring (a teardrop alexandrite offset by a tiny speck of a diamond) and he explained to me how the  alexandrite changes color in sunlight and black light, so we went over to  the black light, and sure enough, it turned a beautiful red. (In sunlight it's a greenish color, and the rest of the time its purple with hints of blue and green) We sat there in general happiness, admiring the ring and looking at all the notes and stuff for about five minutes or so, then Sunny poked her head in and asked if it was safe to come in. She gave me a big hug and then everyone crowded at the door to admire the ring, and then we all looked at it in the black light when it's color changing properties were mentioned. After a few minutes they all rushed away and left us alone. Sunny stayed long enough to turn on romantic music on my computer and and grab her laptop, and we slow danced to the music a little bit and then I looked at everything the room had been decorated with.

THE PLANNING
Now that we're engaged, everyone has been more than happy to tell me about all the time leading up to this, since they don't have to keep secrets anymore. Apparently Phyl has been planning this all the way since JUNE, which I thought was kind of amazing. He asked my parent's blessing sometime in late July (aww- it was funny, everyone on our hall told me their standards for guys have been raised much higher with this proposal, and when I told Sunny today that he asked my dad's permission, she couldn't believe it and said her standards had been raised yet higher ) and he asked my sister to find out my ring size around that same time. My family (well, at least my sister) thought he was going to propose when he came on vacation with us in the beginning of August, but he was planning all along to do it around Halloween (4th anniversary of our first date and all). He spent two months looking for a ring and found it at the end of August. He said he knew as soon as he saw it that it was the right one (aww). He went back two days later with my mom and my sister to buy it. He even researched what the different colors it changes represent so he could tell me (aww). Red is passion and love, green is life and is associated with weddings in China. Purple is just majestic and royalty, but still, it was really sweet that he looked that up. He had planned on not telling many people, outside of both our immediate families and a couple close friends, but that kind of went out the window once he actually bought the ring. And of course Amy told the entire high school choir, just about. (I'm sure they're all excited- we were both in choir in high school and all the choir kids were already telling us a year and a half ago when we graduated that they had to be invited to the wedding). And he told Sunny, at first because he was really excited and had to tell someone, but then because she was helping with the planning and execution of this all, as she was the one who decorated the room. And Sunny, of course, told our entire hall, pretty much. And my parents informed my grandparents...yeah, so pretty much everyone knew already. I did get to tell Abby, she didn't know...and our old choir director doesn't know so I get to tell her, but other than that...yeah. And when we'd been gone for dinner for two hours, Sunny called to find out why we'd been gone so long and when we were going to be back (she didn't really care about the cooking pot one bit).

So yeah . I'm sure there's other details in there too that I don't remember right now, but thats the main gist of it. Yay! That's about all I've been able to say all weekend- just "yay" and smile really big.

EDIT: ok, i've been informed by Phyl that he didn't find Biaggis online, he saw it when he came down last year. He showed me the ring after he said he was serious and before i said yes. And green is used in weddings in Japan, not China.

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”